Speaking as someone who just lost her father 2 weeks ago, I would like to offer a few little tidbits of information on how to deal with someone who is grieving. Here are a few things NOT to say to someone who has recently lost someone as well as some advice on things you should do. Most of this is common sense, right? You would think so but believe me, it isn't.
What's wrong? Really? What the hell do you think is wrong? I don't care how long it has been since that person lost someone, do not ask this.
Is everything ok? Again, bonehead, no. everything is NOT ok right now.
You seem upset. No kidding. Gee, I just lost someone whom I loved and I seem upset? I can't understand why I would seem upset.
It will get better. I know this is meant to be comforting but it isn't. At least not at first. Just say you are sorry and give me a hug.
Maybe you should get out a little. OK. Maybe you should lose weight? Maybe you should stop smoking. Maybe you shouldn't eat so much crap. Feel better?
If you don't know what to say, just be there. Please, check up on me. Call me. Come over and see me. Being alone at a time like this sucks. Trust me. I know.
Don't offer excuses as to why you haven't been there. There are no excuses good enough for people to abandon those they care about in a time of need. And believe me, I need people right now. I understand being busy but it would be nice if you could make time for me right now.
It is nice to ask me how I am doing and I appreciate it but don't get offended when I don't have the answer you want which is "fine", "good" or anything positive. Don't make me feel like I need to put on a brave, happy face for you to make YOU feel better. I am the one who lost someone so let's put the narcissism on hold for now, ok?
Just because I am going through a horrible time right now does not mean that I don't appreciate what I have. I. Am. Grieving. When you lose someone close to you, it is horrible. No matter what the circumstances are, it is sad. Period. It takes T I M E to come to terms with it. What I have found over these last 2 weeks is that no one wants to accept that it might take a long time for me to heal. No one wants to hear the truth which is that I am heartbroken. For whatever reason, people tend to want to put a band aid on the hurt and just skip off and forget it. It just isn't fair for anyone to expect this of me right now. I am not trying to illicit sympathy. I am just amazed at how people treat grief and grieving and I would love for it to change and for people to be kinder. Not just for me. For anyone going through this.
